


Margaritas, Dolores, and The Dead Girl

by PumpkinDoodles



Series: Late Halloween [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor - Fandom
Genre: A really good taser, Declan the Uber driver, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-30 21:30:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19035955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PumpkinDoodles/pseuds/PumpkinDoodles
Summary: Crossposted from tumblrDarcyland Crack Challenge 2019Day 1: Taser Mishaps





	Margaritas, Dolores, and The Dead Girl

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing! An anon asked why this wasn't on A03--I left it in the wilds of tumblr and now cannot figure out how to collection tag it for DLAF 2019 now---so here it is!

**Darcyland Crack Challenge 2019  
** **Day 1: Taser Mishaps**

“Janey, I’m so excited, my new fancy-dancy Tony Stark taser is here,” Darcy said, shaking the cardboard box with the labels that said Stark Industries on the side.

“Fancy Dancy?” Jane said, looking up from her laptop. She was calibrating something. Or defibrillating? Darcy wasn’t entirely certain. Now that they had a nice SHIELD-funded lab in DC, Darcy’s assistant work was mostly comprised of feeding Jane, instead of duct-taping equipment or dodging sparks. A good thing, as Martha would say.

“So fancy it makes you want to dance,” Darcy said, doing the Running Man. Just for funsies. “We need to go out tonight to celebrate,” Darcy said. “Let’s get margaritas and fried ice cream, since the gang is out of town.” Steve, Thor, Nat, and their STRIKE support team were off fighting blobby jellyfish-like aliens in the Great Lakes. Darcy had already doodled a sketch of Mew-Mew making one go splat with her colored pencils today.

“I need to monitor these vectors,” Jane said.

“Isn’t there an app for that?” Darcy said.

“No.”

“Please?” Darcy said, pouting.

“No.”

“Pwetty please?”  She stuck her bottom lip out and tried to look like a Precious Moments doll. Even blinked a little.

“Okay, fine,” Jane said. “But just for an hour, okay? Then back to work.”

 ***

“I love pineapple margaritas!” Darcy said, approximately three hours later. “And salsa. But not all mixed together, that would be bad.” Her favorite DC Mexican place had ranchera music and gave you free extra sour cream.

“But pineapple salsa is good?” Jane said.

“Oh, you’re right. We should do this more often. You’re always right. Do I tell you that enough?” Darcy said.

“No,” Jane said, laughing. “God, I missed Mexican food when we were broke and living on the fjords. But never tell Fury that I said that!” Jane yelled. “Or Thor. It might hurt his feelings if he knew how much you hate lutefisk!” A lot of Norwegian food was Asgardian. Or vice versa. That, Darcy thought, was why Asgardians drank so much.

“Okay,” Darcy said. “I vow to never hurt Thor’s feelings by confessing my feelings about the true horror that is New Scandinavian cooking.”

“Agreed,” Jane said.

“Let’s shake on it?” Darcy said. They shook hands with mock-solemnity, then burst out laughing.

“You’re ridiculous,” Jane said.

“No, you are. But guess what I just realized?” Darcy said.

“What?” Jane said.

“It’s Dolores’s birthday!” Darcy said. 

“I think we need to make this official with fried ice cream,” Jane said, waving down their waiter. “We’d like fried cream,” she said.

“Strawberry or chocolate?” he asked.

“Both?” Darcy offered.

“Both,” Jane said, nodding. “This is a special occasion. A birthday.”

“It’s a birthday, huh?” he said. “Whose birthday?”

“My baby’s. She was just delivered today,” Darcy said seriously.

“Oh,” he said. “Congratulations on your surrogacy?” the waiter offered, looking confused and yet like he wanted to be polite.

“Thank you!” Jane said. The waiter walked away.

“Taser surrogacy,” Darcy said, laughing.

“Maybe I should think about surrogacy for real?” Jane said.

“Why?” Darcy asked.

“I’m imagining the size of an Asgardian baby,” Jane said, eyes wide with alarm.

“Oh em gee,” Darcy said. “Ten pound baby.”

“Yeah,” Jane said seriously.

“And you’re not tall. Frigga was tall. Your pelvis is probably more narrow than hers.”

“Shit,” Jane said, “you’re right.”

***

They took an Uber back to Darcy’s apartment first. Darcy drunk-dialed Jane’s phone while they were still in the backseat of Declan the Uber driver’s Civic. “I don’t mind to imply you’re a nef-nefarious murderer,” Darcy told the driver, “but this is part of our security protocol. We stay on the phone until both of us are safely home.” He nodded. Declan was a grad student in philosophy at GWU.

“She listens to a lot of murder podcasts,” Jane said.

“Pretty much all podcasts are murder podcasts, right?” he said.

“Yes!” Jane said. “There’s this great Alice Bolan essay about the character of the ‘dead girl’ in true crime–”

“Excuse me! Excuse me, sometimes I listen to podcasts about Watergate. Or hot air balloons! It’s not all dead girls,” Darcy said, listing slightly sideways. Declan laughed. “Wait, this is my stop!” she called out. Declan pulled up to the curb. “All righty. Stay on the line. I got Dolores,” Darcy said.

“Who’s Dolores?” Declan asked.

“Her taser,” Jane said.

“She’s the smartest, sparkiest taser ever,” Darcy said, patting her purse. “Wooo. Off I go. Declan, no murdering Jane, I’ll find you and I’ll kill you.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said.

“My boyfriend’s real scary, too,” Darcy said.

“And my boyfriend,” Jane said.

“He’s got a real big hammer,” Darcy said, dissolving into giggles.

 

Darcy was unlocking her apartment door when she heard a sound. “It’s coming from the inside!” she hissed into her phone.

“What?” Jane said.

“There’s someone inside,” Darcy whispered, creeping into the darkened apartment. “They’re taking a shower in my shower. The water just cut off!”

“Darce,” Jane said. “I’ll be right there! Get out! Get out!” Darcy heard her tell Declan to turn around.

“Nuh-uh,” Darcy said. “Nobody uses my loofah and gets away with it. I’mma get ‘em. If this is some HYDRA asshole…” she said, hitting the power button on the taser, “Dolores is going to make him pay. Big time.” The door to the bedroom opened and a figure moved in the dark hallway. Darcy aimed her taser and fired. “Eat a billion volts, HYDRA asshole!” she yelled, as the prongs connected. The figure jolted a fraction, but didn’t fall immediately. There was an audible crackling sound. Right then, Darcy’s phone call with Jane went staticky and cut out. “Shit, shit,” she muttered, as the figure slumped against the wall, then slid to the floor slowly.

“Sweetheart?” it said, sounding confused. Darcy recognized that voice.

“Oh no!” Darcy yelled, flipping on the hall light. Brock Rumlow was sitting on the floor, clad only in a pair of sweatpants. “You’re back? I thought you were on Lake Superior?”

“You know,” he said, rubbing a scarred hand against the prongs on his chest. “Just ‘cause I’ve got a higher pain tolerance now doesn’t mean I can’t feel anything.” He chuckled.

“I’m sorry! So sorry! Like, accidentally hit someone with your car door in the Target parking lot sorry, babe,” she said, kneeling next to him and prying off the taser prongs. “I thought you were, like, a HYDRA goon.”

“Why do people always think that about me?” he said smirking slowly. His scars twisted when he smiled. “Is it something about my face?” he asked playfully, tapping her nose. Darcy was leaning in for an enthusiastic apology kiss when there was a clatter behind them.

“Ahhhhh!” Jane yelled, waving a baton. Then she stopped. “Oh,” she said. “It’s just you. No murderers?”

“Nope,” Darcy said.

“Who armed Jane with a pointy thing?” Brock asked, tilting his head.

“Natasha’s teaching me single-stick fighting,” Jane said. “Is everyone back?”

“Yeah,” Brock said, shifting his weight forward, so he could rise. Darcy rubbed his arm. “Got back about twenty minutes ago. Thought you’d be happy to see me.”

“Sorry. Dolores didn’t mean to shock you, I swear,” Darcy said, brushing his hair back.

“Oh, no,” Jane said, suddenly heading for the door.

“What?” Darcy yelled.

“I gotta tell Declan to call off 9-1-1!” Jane yelled.


End file.
